Beste John Mayer,

Hoe doe je dat toch? Je bent géén uitzonderlijk goede zanger, niet de allerbeste gitarist aller tijden en qua hunk-factor scoor je [volgens mij] ook geen perfecte 10. En toch was het een behoorlijk natte boel voor het podium bij jouw Pinkpop-optreden dit jaar. En dan heb ik het niet over de regen. Op het moment dat jij je gitaar inplugde kreeg de halve voormalige draf- en renbaan in Landgraaf een spetterend orgasme. Blijkbaar kom je tegenwoordig al een heel eind als je met een wazige blik, een scheve mond en een hese stem gezapige liedjes in je microfoon staat te spugen.

Ik zag net op tv het einde van je liedje ‘Gravity’. Hoe je op nonchalante manier je gitaar in je nek legt en achter je rug houdt. En dan toch doorspelen. Knap hoor. Daarna je gitaar op het foeilelijke kleedje op het podium leggen en de wereldberoemde Jimi Hendrix-act nadoen. Maar dan zonder je gitaar in de fik te steken. Hoe doe je dat, John? Zit je wekenlang in de huiskamer daarop te oefenen? Wordt mevrouw Mayer daar niet helemaal geschift van?  Dat je op maandagochtend om 9 uur al op je knietjes op de grond zit te oefenen op dat ene riffje? En heb je daar ook zo’n foeilelijk kleed liggen?

Ik las dat je meer dan 200 gitaren bezit. Zijn die ook allemaal zo lekker stoer beschadigd, zoals die ene waar ik je op zag spelen tijdens bovengenoemd nummer? Hoe doe je dat? Koop je dan een spiksplinternieuwe gitaar bij de plaatselijke gitarengigant, bind je die met een touw achter je auto en ga je dan een paar rondjes rijden? Zodat dat ding er lekker doorleefd uitziet, en iedereen gelooft dat jullie samen al van alles hebben meegemaakt? Is dat het trucje, John?

Blijkbaar werkt het. Ik ben toch al vaak op Pinkpop geweest, maar ik heb nog nooit zoveel leuke meisjes voor het podium zien staan. Meisjes met alleen nog hun bh’tje aan, meisjes met spandoeken en meisjes met zelfgemaakte tekeningen. Meisjes die huilend van genot jouw teksten staan mee te zingen.  Allemaal even schattig en allemaal even leuk. En allemaal even vochtig tussen de beentjes.

Ze zouden je levenslang moeten opsluiten, John Mayer. En al je cd’s en foto’s op een grote brandstapel gooien. Op deze manier komen jongens als ik natuurlijk nooit aan de vrouw.

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